it’s amazing how quickly you can lose respect for a person.

 

f*** you

Told my mom about Engineer. She just nodded. Happy with the details she knows. Reminded me that she won’t go forward unless his family happily obliges. Told me not to “spend too much one on one time with him because it isnt right”. Prob won’t ask me for details until I bring it up.

 

This is why I love her.

And she’s back

So I’m sitting at my desk, munching on a heavenly (and probably fattening) grilled-portabella-eggplant-sweet pepper-with-avocado mayo sandwich and waiting on a client to get back to his desk from the bar lunch, I can’t help but feel like I’m finally almost to a good place again.

So far, this blog has been an ode to my emotional crash (because, let’s be real, that’s exactly what it was) and I’m tempted to delete all those entries and start over. But I won’t. Mainly because sometimes it’s a good idea to take a quick look at the past every once in a while and remember how far you’ve come.

Some of the more positive changes:

-After that rude (and much needed) awakening from the Boss, I’m starting to get into my job and (hopefully) doing better. I still have insane anxiety and paranoia from time to time, but I’m learning to conquer it through positive thinking (don’t worry unless there’s a tangible reason to), working harder, and most importantly, prayer.

-I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. There was a lot that bothered me about myself (my shyness, my lack of interaction with a large network of friends [EEK that sounded like industry speak], my body image issues). I think there’s a lot more work to be done and I still have a long way to go, but I think I’m in a good place.

-On a related note, I’m starting to accept the fact that my sister’s approval isn’t everything. We’re two very different people, who want different things and view life differently, and it’s ok. I don’t need to justify the lifestyle choices I make (praying, fasting, leading a halal financial lifestyle) to anybody. This is my choice and I’m doing it for the betterment of myself and to please the Big Guy Upstairs. I don’t always agree with her choices and she doesn’t always need to agree with mine.

-I’m trying not to take people for face value. Often times, there really is more than meets the eye.  Case in point: Engineer. After a terrible start (re: extremely horrible), we’re finally in a good place. Through this entire thing, I’ve learned a lot about him and myself. Long story short, we’re much more similar than I initially thought and we want a lot of the same things. All the things that kept me going through the tough pds (mainly his deen) are still there but I now realize we both:

• Don’t want a mortgage
• Want to live in the city (I almost cried with happiness after he told me where he thought we could live (rent). He thought about the areas, their reps and how the commute would be for both of us. My old soul-self was in heaven)
• Want to take care of our respective parents
• Want to stay in the city but are open to moving if it works for both of us (assuming one of us gets a life-changing opportunity)
• Want to cut back on the daily lifestyle so we can travel
• Want to have a wedding we can AFFORD, even if that means nixing certain parental wants and demands
• Don’t want consumer debt of any kind (iA)
• Have career ambitions but  family comes first
• Share an interest in international politics, history, religion (essentially all things nerdy)
• Are ok with waiting to have kids (although I can see that convo happening again [he only wants to wait a yr, I want to wait 2-3 yrs])

And then there’s the:

• We’re attracted to each other
• He’s open to trying new things for me (case in point: sushi, even though he hated it)
• He wants to match me on eid, even though we wont spend it together (nerdy, girly, corny desire of mine but that I’ve never asked any1 to do-he mentioned it on his own!)
• He actually thinks about the future
• He’s mature

Before this turns into a gushing la-la-land-im-so-in-love spiel, there are also some unsure:

• The Family-he still needs to convince his parents to marry me (they want a bride from the village in the motherland)
• He gets mean when he’s angry/irritated (need to work on that with him)
• Not sure how he feels about us having a life together and then us separate (he likes doing things together-but I need to know he’s ok with us doing things separately too)
• Living with his parents initially-not happening for me, especially if they aren’t totally thrilled by this match
• Not sure if he’d totally blend in with my sister/A and some of my friends (but so long as everyone gets along, I’m happy)
• The chance he may have to go to some remote country for extended pds of time (anywhere from a few months to yrs), with visits every two months, for work
• The Family (needs to be repeated)

At the end of the day, all there is to do is wait and see what happens. I can only pray for the best and go along for the ride, and trust the outcome. I haven’t done an istikhara yet, mainly because I’m scared of the outcome. Which is counter-intuitive to the whole idea of one, but that’s something I need to work through.

I should really get back to work and try to get some of this stuff off my plate.

More to come about the other dets of life.

-Salam

Sometimes I wish I could take an extended vacation. That I took some real time off between school and work. I’m incredibly and deeply grateful for this job-with its challenging work, respecting colleagues, great working conditions, excellent rep and overall fantastic-ness. But sometimes I wish I could escape like everyone else. Whether its by taking a trip, moving to another city, getting married, etc. But I have to help my mom out, build a nest egg  for myself, pay for the new car. Which means I have to work. Which means no escapism. Even if I weren’t working, there’s all the other things that I cant escape from. The helping out, the dealing with everyone’s drama, the being the buffer, the making sure the house is running full speed ahead. The taking care of everyone. Even on this vacation im going to be my sister’s assistant (as usual). I felt to guilty to say “no, I don’t want to take a trip with u. in fact, I need a vacation from you”. I don’t have it in my to break someone’s heart, even if others break mine.

I’m so exhausted-mentally, physically, emotionally. I have no feelings towards everything. I’m a mute who just smiles and nods, talks when they absolutely have to. Spends countless hours on their own, keeping thoughts and musings to themselves. I lie in a fetal position and stare at the wall because that’s all the energy I have. I can feel the pain vibrating through my joints and the emotional pain coursing through my soul.

But it could always be worse. I should be more grateful for what I have.

Ya Allah, liberate me from fear. Give me the wisdom to think positively; give me the courage to stand by the truth; give me the openess to connect to those who avoid me; give me a smile, a clean heart and a winning attitude which conquers others; give me more of the world so I can spend in Your Path; give me the perspective that I need to remain satisfied with what You bless me with.

if you just take a few minutes every minute to focus on the good, you begin to realize things aren’t as bad as they seem.

فَبِأَيِّ آلاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذ

I think the hardest part of life is learning to just be. The undeniable truth is that nothing can happen without Allah’s will and that He truly is the best of planners, providers and the knowledgeable beyond imagination. He created us-and will take care of us. We all know this and we all hear it on a regular basis, and a lot of us believe it. The challenge is truly internalizing it. Learning to take a deep breath, pay for the best, and live your life. The last 20 and a half years of my life have been one huge rollercoaster. I’ve spent a lot of that time internally wondering why things were they way were, why couldn’t they be better, and (shamefully) “why me”.

 I’ve finally gotten to a place where I can appreciate everything and see how it is shaped me into who I am today. I am by no means perfect, but I can see the strength within. I’ve lived through and survived barely having enough money to cover the basics and being scared of adding a box of cookies into the shopping cart or asking for a new shirt and by the grace of god I now have a fantastic job. I can not only help take care of my family, but I can also spoil myself (and those I love). I can now give them that box of cookies and some.

 I went from being depressingly lonely growing up to having the most incredible support system a girl could ask for. I have the love of my family and friends and the respect of my colleagues, professors and students. I’ve gotten jobs solely based on by-mouth recommendations and people have gone out of their way to help me. I’ve truly been blessed in more ways than one. I don’t say thank-you enough, but I pray for these people multiple times a day. I went from totally rejecting my religion (something I am not proud of) to be being brought back to the path of Allah, even if it took a traumatic experience. I’m still in the midst of figuring out where I stand on things and how religion is going to fit into my life, but what I do know, is that it will be in my life.

 I’ve also made mistakes that I’m not proud of, and sadly, have left lasting marks. I don’t know if she’s reading this, but I wish I could say sorry to my best friend. I wish I could go back in time and be there for her when she needed me most. I wish I was able to put my own feelings aside, my own pain aside, and just be there for her. I wish I didn’t pull away and isolate myself. Because look where it’s left us. I wish I was more supportive and understanding. I can’t change what happened but I can try and mend the future. I pray for her happiness all the time and I hope that her new life stage is filled with joy and happiness, smiles and laughter. Because god knows she deserves it. Her joy is contagious. It’s hopeful. She really is beautiful inside and out. Ironically, I won’t be there to celebrate her wedding with her. But she will definitely be in my thoughts and my prayers.

 I wish I could say all the positives keep me strong all the time. But sadly, I am human, and they don’t. I try to think of those around the world suffering from war, famine, abuse, etc etc, but sometimes I get wrapped up in my own head. I know that things happen for a reason and He saves us from things in a way that we may not recognize, but I do fall weak.

“Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never met”. It’s truly difficult. And 6 months later, I’m still struggling. I still have moments where I have to beg for strength and ease. Nothing’s changed-I still know this wasn’t right for me. But the fear and the worry and the “how am I ever going to meet someone else” get to me. So do the feelings of worthlessness. Of feeling like utter crap about myself. Of having little self-esteem left. Of wondering if things would’ve been different if I was prettier or smarter or funnier or more interesting. If I should be less ambitious and more “traditional”. If only I showed him more how I felt. Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve been good enough then. I would’ve been worth standing up for. I would’ve been worth loving.

My friend said something interesting to me-“you shouldn’t have to convince someone to be with you”. Which is true. And I know and understand all the logical explanations. But sometimes I crumble. And then I try to remind myself of everything I’ve gotten through. I got through all of that-I can get through this. Life hasn’t been a walk in the park. But it also hasn’t been that horrible compared to other people. This is one of my tests, and I know that. I have to fight through it, just like I’ve fought through everything else. I have to trust Allah. He’s never failed me, He’s always always given me what was best for me, and has always listened to my prayers. He’s listened to my prayers. The Creator. The one who can work miracles. He’s listened to MY prayers. He’s blessed me with HIS mercy. Subhanallah. It’s honestly enough to make me weep. I am nothing compared to Him. Nothing compared to his Prophets. In this vast universe, I am nothing. “Allah will only give you things if he knows if they are good for you. Do you trust Allah? Of course you do. Then don’t worry”. Blind faith. That’s what I have. Blind faith, which warms my heart everytime I kneel in front of Him.

I’m ok and will continue to be ok. One day these heavy feelings and numbness will lift and will be replaced with the lightness and happiness of before. I have to have faith. Because without faith we are nothing. Without Him, we are nothing. In the meantime, I’m going to keep praying and living life. Continue enjoying the blessings I have and trying to improve myself. Continue to focus on others, focus on myself and focus on my deen. And just keep living. Because at the end of the day, there’s life is all about choices and reactions. It’s 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. So I can do two things. I can let these beat me or let it make me stronger.

I choose strength.

some tests are harder to get through than others.

the only thing to do is pray.

i know i shouldnt. but i really really miss you.

keeping it together is so exhausting.

oh these moments of weakness

i think they’re amplified by fatigue and the fact that I barely talk to anyone anymore.

i made  a pact with myself to trust God. And I do. It’s just that in these moments of weakness, I feel myself faltering. I still trust Him but sometimes I wish I could just know. Know in concrete terms that everything will work out. I feel like Im rambling…I know I’m feeling something, but I can’t articulate it. I wish that someone would just come up to me and go “hey talk. just talk. no excuses.” maybe then I can get what I’m feeling out. Make this heaviness in my chest go away. I don’t know how to articulate what I’m feeling. It’s like this ache. An ache of uncertainty….of feeling lost. Of wishing. And hoping. Of taking a deep breath, reminding myself of the good and the important and of taking another step. Maybe it’s just the fatigue talking. I am exhausted. Still need to shower…find clothes for tmw etc etc etc.

“Verily, Allaah does not change men’s condition unless they change their inner selves.”
****

We ask God to forgive us for our evil thoughts, evil temper,
but rarely,if ever, ask Him to forgive us for our sadness.