I think the hardest part of life is learning to just be. The undeniable truth is that nothing can happen without Allah’s will and that He truly is the best of planners, providers and the knowledgeable beyond imagination. He created us-and will take care of us. We all know this and we all hear it on a regular basis, and a lot of us believe it. The challenge is truly internalizing it. Learning to take a deep breath, pay for the best, and live your life. The last 20 and a half years of my life have been one huge rollercoaster. I’ve spent a lot of that time internally wondering why things were they way were, why couldn’t they be better, and (shamefully) “why me”.
I’ve finally gotten to a place where I can appreciate everything and see how it is shaped me into who I am today. I am by no means perfect, but I can see the strength within. I’ve lived through and survived barely having enough money to cover the basics and being scared of adding a box of cookies into the shopping cart or asking for a new shirt and by the grace of god I now have a fantastic job. I can not only help take care of my family, but I can also spoil myself (and those I love). I can now give them that box of cookies and some.
I went from being depressingly lonely growing up to having the most incredible support system a girl could ask for. I have the love of my family and friends and the respect of my colleagues, professors and students. I’ve gotten jobs solely based on by-mouth recommendations and people have gone out of their way to help me. I’ve truly been blessed in more ways than one. I don’t say thank-you enough, but I pray for these people multiple times a day. I went from totally rejecting my religion (something I am not proud of) to be being brought back to the path of Allah, even if it took a traumatic experience. I’m still in the midst of figuring out where I stand on things and how religion is going to fit into my life, but what I do know, is that it will be in my life.
I’ve also made mistakes that I’m not proud of, and sadly, have left lasting marks. I don’t know if she’s reading this, but I wish I could say sorry to my best friend. I wish I could go back in time and be there for her when she needed me most. I wish I was able to put my own feelings aside, my own pain aside, and just be there for her. I wish I didn’t pull away and isolate myself. Because look where it’s left us. I wish I was more supportive and understanding. I can’t change what happened but I can try and mend the future. I pray for her happiness all the time and I hope that her new life stage is filled with joy and happiness, smiles and laughter. Because god knows she deserves it. Her joy is contagious. It’s hopeful. She really is beautiful inside and out. Ironically, I won’t be there to celebrate her wedding with her. But she will definitely be in my thoughts and my prayers.
I wish I could say all the positives keep me strong all the time. But sadly, I am human, and they don’t. I try to think of those around the world suffering from war, famine, abuse, etc etc, but sometimes I get wrapped up in my own head. I know that things happen for a reason and He saves us from things in a way that we may not recognize, but I do fall weak.
“Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never met”. It’s truly difficult. And 6 months later, I’m still struggling. I still have moments where I have to beg for strength and ease. Nothing’s changed-I still know this wasn’t right for me. But the fear and the worry and the “how am I ever going to meet someone else” get to me. So do the feelings of worthlessness. Of feeling like utter crap about myself. Of having little self-esteem left. Of wondering if things would’ve been different if I was prettier or smarter or funnier or more interesting. If I should be less ambitious and more “traditional”. If only I showed him more how I felt. Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve been good enough then. I would’ve been worth standing up for. I would’ve been worth loving.
My friend said something interesting to me-“you shouldn’t have to convince someone to be with you”. Which is true. And I know and understand all the logical explanations. But sometimes I crumble. And then I try to remind myself of everything I’ve gotten through. I got through all of that-I can get through this. Life hasn’t been a walk in the park. But it also hasn’t been that horrible compared to other people. This is one of my tests, and I know that. I have to fight through it, just like I’ve fought through everything else. I have to trust Allah. He’s never failed me, He’s always always given me what was best for me, and has always listened to my prayers. He’s listened to my prayers. The Creator. The one who can work miracles. He’s listened to MY prayers. He’s blessed me with HIS mercy. Subhanallah. It’s honestly enough to make me weep. I am nothing compared to Him. Nothing compared to his Prophets. In this vast universe, I am nothing. “Allah will only give you things if he knows if they are good for you. Do you trust Allah? Of course you do. Then don’t worry”. Blind faith. That’s what I have. Blind faith, which warms my heart everytime I kneel in front of Him.
I’m ok and will continue to be ok. One day these heavy feelings and numbness will lift and will be replaced with the lightness and happiness of before. I have to have faith. Because without faith we are nothing. Without Him, we are nothing. In the meantime, I’m going to keep praying and living life. Continue enjoying the blessings I have and trying to improve myself. Continue to focus on others, focus on myself and focus on my deen. And just keep living. Because at the end of the day, there’s life is all about choices and reactions. It’s 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. So I can do two things. I can let these beat me or let it make me stronger.
I choose strength.
