Sometimes I wish I could take an extended vacation. That I took some real time off between school and work. I’m incredibly and deeply grateful for this job-with its challenging work, respecting colleagues, great working conditions, excellent rep and overall fantastic-ness. But sometimes I wish I could escape like everyone else. Whether its by taking a trip, moving to another city, getting married, etc. But I have to help my mom out, build a nest egg for myself, pay for the new car. Which means I have to work. Which means no escapism. Even if I weren’t working, there’s all the other things that I cant escape from. The helping out, the dealing with everyone’s drama, the being the buffer, the making sure the house is running full speed ahead. The taking care of everyone. Even on this vacation im going to be my sister’s assistant (as usual). I felt to guilty to say “no, I don’t want to take a trip with u. in fact, I need a vacation from you”. I don’t have it in my to break someone’s heart, even if others break mine.
I’m so exhausted-mentally, physically, emotionally. I have no feelings towards everything. I’m a mute who just smiles and nods, talks when they absolutely have to. Spends countless hours on their own, keeping thoughts and musings to themselves. I lie in a fetal position and stare at the wall because that’s all the energy I have. I can feel the pain vibrating through my joints and the emotional pain coursing through my soul.
But it could always be worse. I should be more grateful for what I have.
