So I’m sitting at my desk, munching on a heavenly (and probably fattening) grilled-portabella-eggplant-sweet pepper-with-avocado mayo sandwich and waiting on a client to get back to his desk from the bar lunch, I can’t help but feel like I’m finally almost to a good place again.
So far, this blog has been an ode to my emotional crash (because, let’s be real, that’s exactly what it was) and I’m tempted to delete all those entries and start over. But I won’t. Mainly because sometimes it’s a good idea to take a quick look at the past every once in a while and remember how far you’ve come.
Some of the more positive changes:
-After that rude (and much needed) awakening from the Boss, I’m starting to get into my job and (hopefully) doing better. I still have insane anxiety and paranoia from time to time, but I’m learning to conquer it through positive thinking (don’t worry unless there’s a tangible reason to), working harder, and most importantly, prayer.
-I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. There was a lot that bothered me about myself (my shyness, my lack of interaction with a large network of friends [EEK that sounded like industry speak], my body image issues). I think there’s a lot more work to be done and I still have a long way to go, but I think I’m in a good place.
-On a related note, I’m starting to accept the fact that my sister’s approval isn’t everything. We’re two very different people, who want different things and view life differently, and it’s ok. I don’t need to justify the lifestyle choices I make (praying, fasting, leading a halal financial lifestyle) to anybody. This is my choice and I’m doing it for the betterment of myself and to please the Big Guy Upstairs. I don’t always agree with her choices and she doesn’t always need to agree with mine.
-I’m trying not to take people for face value. Often times, there really is more than meets the eye. Case in point: Engineer. After a terrible start (re: extremely horrible), we’re finally in a good place. Through this entire thing, I’ve learned a lot about him and myself. Long story short, we’re much more similar than I initially thought and we want a lot of the same things. All the things that kept me going through the tough pds (mainly his deen) are still there but I now realize we both:
- Don’t want a mortgage
- Want to live in the city (I almost cried with happiness after he told me where he thought we could live (rent). He thought about the areas, their reps and how the commute would be for both of us. My old soul-self was in heaven)
- Want to take care of our respective parents
- Want to stay in the city but are open to moving if it works for both of us (assuming one of us gets a life-changing opportunity)
- Want to cut back on the daily lifestyle so we can travel
- Want to have a wedding we can AFFORD, even if that means nixing certain parental wants and demands
- Don’t want consumer debt of any kind (iA)
- Have career ambitions but family comes first
- Share an interest in international politics, history, religion (essentially all things nerdy)
- Are ok with waiting to have kids (although I can see that convo happening again [he only wants to wait a yr, I want to wait 2-3 yrs])
And then there’s the:
- We’re attracted to each other
- He’s open to trying new things for me (case in point: sushi, even though he hated it)
- He wants to match me on eid, even though we wont spend it together (nerdy, girly, corny desire of mine but that I’ve never asked any1 to do-he mentioned it on his own!)
- He actually thinks about the future
- He’s mature
Before this turns into a gushing la-la-land-im-so-in-love spiel, there are also some unsure:
- The Family-he still needs to convince his parents to marry me (they want a bride from the village in the motherland)
- He gets mean when he’s angry/irritated (need to work on that with him)
- Not sure how he feels about us having a life together and then us separate (he likes doing things together-but I need to know he’s ok with us doing things separately too)
- Living with his parents initially-not happening for me, especially if they aren’t totally thrilled by this match
- Not sure if he’d totally blend in with my sister/A and some of my friends (but so long as everyone gets along, I’m happy)
- The chance he may have to go to some remote country for extended pds of time (anywhere from a few months to yrs), with visits every two months, for work
- The Family (needs to be repeated)
At the end of the day, all there is to do is wait and see what happens. I can only pray for the best and go along for the ride, and trust the outcome. I haven’t done an istikhara yet, mainly because I’m scared of the outcome. Which is counter-intuitive to the whole idea of one, but that’s something I need to work through.
I should really get back to work and try to get some of this stuff off my plate.
More to come about the other dets of life.
-Salam
